I haven’t spoken to her since 2020. How am I still the reason SHE can’t handle her anxiety? She wants nothing to do with me! Nothing to do with us. We’ve done nothing TO her. We move on with our lives. How are WE still responsible for her struggle to cope? I didn’t even have legal rights over her, as they were all stripped from me. Who does that anyway?

Plus, I know ONE way to make sense of the world, and that’s typically what your goddamn parents are for. Even at my age, I envy my friends that still have their parents. It’s been 27 years without one, and 13 without the other and I still need them both every fucking day no matter how much I resent my mother for what she did to me, and sad for my father for all the knowledge he had and the simple things he couldn’t figure out. I still love them as much as I did when I was the idealistic little girl who thought her family would last forever. When I look back at the pictures of my life, there’s a great big smile masquerading for someone who lived a LOT of inner turmoil 24/7.

Love is hard and challenging, even in families. Some people are incapable of doing the hard work because it’s WAY easier to just write a parent off and make them a villain. Saying sorry …and meaning it with no ifs ands or buts… is so simple and yet a near impossible task. It’s something I’ve been working on to just be a better person in general. I’ve done a lot of introspection and openly held myself accountable for failing in so many ways. What I’ve come to accept is those failure do not define me, something I allowed to happen. My failures in life just fueled my drive to strive to keep doing better and now they are eclipsed by my successes.

I don’t want anything from her except to have her back in our lives. You don’t heal from the past if you don’t confront it. I have already confronted it til I was every color of the rainbow and in therapy I’ve rehashed it all and doubled down. I apologized, I begged, I continued to let myself be dehumanized by my ex and his terrible wife at the expense of MY mental health. I FINALLY decided after 6 years to choose myself for the first time since I was born and I’m the problem how??

She’s the one who keeps coming back here. So hey daughter, hi. I hope I get to hug you once more before I die. We all miss you, but you’re actually the one missing out more. Long before there was ever a 2nd husband and child in my life, there was always a door open for you to talk to me about your fears, even if you THOUGHT it wasn’t open….every time I asked how you were was that open door and you slammed it in my face. I tried, I tried…I definitely failed you and I will forever regret that- but at this point, it would be quite audacious of you to think that I’m going to hate myself forever, because I definitely don’t. If you are silently regretting cutting us off, that’s fine. I’m not mad and I’ve never been mad. Yes, you’re stubborn as fuck. Yes I think the way you’ve broken my heart is intentional and cruel. I forgive you. We didn’t ask for any of this. But please stop blaming us for your anxiety and please please go see a good therapist. Keep going til you find one. I love mine – she’s amazing. Life isn’t as unnecessarily stressful as you’re making it.

I was looking through my photo albums recently, and there are so many of you and me, and the good times we DID have together. So sweet, so many memories of good things that really did happen. Good people who still love you and keep a place in their hearts for you. I will cherish them forever – they’re still part of your story from your very birth.

You are so loved in all these photos.

You are still loved in all the ones you are missing from.

Hope the world sees the same person….