In our sixth year of estrangement, we at Casa Heidelberg are “over it.” You’re thinking, “Well if you’re over it why do you still talk about it?” One, because this cancer that is estrangement should be talked about openly, and because other estranged parents need to know they are not alone.
In our current culture, cutting people off has become a trendy personality trait. If an adult child is cutting off a parent over lies, especially ones her OTHER parents made her believe, rewritten history, or because a therapist gave them a script, what it really is, is cowardice. There’s a massive line between breaking a cycle….like the actual abuse I endured as a child, like when my mother would hit me or my family would shame me for things not in my control..and still would have never just flat out stopped talking to…. and breaking a family for clout. Surely my daughter FEELS like she’s preserving her peace by not speaking to us, but she’s here on this very website every day. She visits from work, from home…
Abuse with no reconciliation or remorse is reason enough for a child to walk away for good…of course….but my daughter wasn’t abused, certainly not by me. She was raised with all the love and tenderness absent from my childhood. DCS was called on her dad when she was a child, not me. The way he would beat the dog, I could totally see him taking out his irrational anger on our daughter as a child. I mean, he yelled at her and called her a pig in a restaurant for dropping a fry with ketchup on herself. She was 3.
I found myself in a situation I could not see another way out of…an attempt was made but it was too late. She’ll never know about everything we did to prevent us from moving out of Connecticut without her. She wasn’t there, she didn’t hear the conversations between me and my husband. She doesn’t know about the countless sleepless months we ached over what the future held…while desperately going back to school to save our lives.
Leaving home was never part of any plan, neither was leaving her with her dad. The most painful choice got made, and THEY debased ME to the point of losing my rights…who does that? Her needs came before mine full stop. And her father and usurping stepmother took advantage of the opportunity to make sure they demolished the very sliver of connection I had to my daughter. If that isn’t insane human cruelty, I don’t know what is.
Which is also why these posts get written. The past ones stay locked down or password protected after I’ve given Baltimore a chance to stop by and read them. That’s done to preserve MY peace and space. These posts were my own form of therapy before I met my actual therapist. It is an exercise in dealing with the pain, the loss, and putting a stop to the continual self-inflicted punishment while depriving my family of the complete wife and mother they need.
Over the years the posts have been angry, apologetic, remorseful, sorrowful, full of regret and hard truths…and as the silence grew deeper, I started feeling LESS guilty about making the choices I made. I owned up to my shit, I acknowledged it sucked and I can’t imagine how much it hurt. I can’t undo any of it, I’m not a fucking magician. I did my fucking best. The one thing in my control is moving on without her. And I have. Days wasted, waiting for the phone to call have been a thing of the past for some time. I’m sitting here at 5:30 in the morning tending to things, one of which is writing this blog post.
Several things have remained constant though:
My love for my daughter is unconditional and eternal. You truly do not understand that connection until you become a mother.
My worry for her never takes a day off. I truly care about how much I’ve hurt her.
She is sorely missed by everyone.
We aren’t the same people we were six years ago, let alone 12…
We miss the relationship we could be having. It doesn’t have to be perfect, perfect is unreasonable.
She IS the missing piece of THIS family.
Our door is always open to her. I know we have to get to know each other again and things won’t be the same. It just doesn’t have to be like THIS forever. I pray she finds a path to forgiveness someday.
In the meantime, I have shit to do…a non-profit to run, a family to take care of, a house to maintain, clients to help, and friends who not only love me, but have helped me learn to love in new and more meaningful ways.