Last night, after months of preparations, was my youngest daughter’s final elementary school performance. She was Augusta Gloop in their version of Willy Wonka along with many of her bff’s from class.
This morning, as she was getting ready for school, I was observing her when I suddenly saw my future teenager emerging. She looked at me and asked me what was wrong because I was crying. I said, “You’re growing up too fast.” to which she retorts, “Well yeah I’m supposed to grow up. Is that such a bad thing?”
Yes, because it means I’m getting older and I don’t know how much time I have left on this planet. I don’t want to miss a single second of watching her grow up. I’m so proud of her. She’s so damn beautiful and sweet and smart. I don’t know how I was so fucking lucky in life to be blessed with not one amazing daughter. But TWO.
And it breaks my heart, because one of them thinks I’m a monster because I had to make a choice I didn’t want to make, but HAD to. And considering HER best interest made that choice the most painful thing I’ve ever had to do. However, I know deep in my heart that the sweet, kind loving child I gave birth to and nursed for two years is still there somewhere.
That’s not to imply that I favorite one over the other, or that I’m compensating for the loss of one with the other, none of that is accurate. I raised them the same – with unconditional love and empathy and encouragement and freedom to be the children they were so they can become they young ladies they will be. But how could unconditional love backfire so hard?
Anyway, back to the little one. Her smile and empathy this morning made my heart explode. I caught a glimpse of the teenager she will be. As I physically observed my last baby disappearing before my eyes, it wasn’t scary in a terrifying way. It was scary in a great way – she too will be a force to be reckoned with because she is my daughter. Because she is half Latina and half German…she’s all fire. My only purpose now is to live as long as possible so I don’t miss a fucking thing.
I love you both, my two big beautiful baby girls. Unconditionally. Til I breathe my last breath. Til the last star shines in the sky.
This morning, as she was getting ready for school, I was observing her when I suddenly saw my future teenager emerging. She looked at me and asked me what was wrong because I was crying. I said, “You’re growing up too fast.” to which she retorts, “Well yeah I’m supposed to grow up. Is that such a bad thing?”
Yes, because it means I’m getting older and I don’t know how much time I have left on this planet. I don’t want to miss a single second of watching her grow up. I’m so proud of her. She’s so damn beautiful and sweet and smart. I don’t know how I was so fucking lucky in life to be blessed with not one amazing daughter. But TWO.
And it breaks my heart, because one of them thinks I’m a monster because I had to make a choice I didn’t want to make, but HAD to. And considering HER best interest made that choice the most painful thing I’ve ever had to do. However, I know deep in my heart that the sweet, kind loving child I gave birth to and nursed for two years is still there somewhere.
That’s not to imply that I favorite one over the other, or that I’m compensating for the loss of one with the other, none of that is accurate. I raised them the same – with unconditional love and empathy and encouragement and freedom to be the children they were so they can become they young ladies they will be. But how could unconditional love backfire so hard?
Anyway, back to the little one. Her smile and empathy this morning made my heart explode. I caught a glimpse of the teenager she will be. As I physically observed my last baby disappearing before my eyes, it wasn’t scary in a terrifying way. It was scary in a great way – she too will be a force to be reckoned with because she is my daughter. Because she is half Latina and half German…she’s all fire. My only purpose now is to live as long as possible so I don’t miss a fucking thing.
I love you both, my two big beautiful baby girls. Unconditionally. Til I breathe my last breath. Til the last star shines in the sky.
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